Spiritual Realization - The Beginning Of Another Journey

I was always in tune with nature. Growing up, my cousin and I would roam the woods of Cambridge Ohio. We would pretend we were wolves, and the 68 acres our grandfather owned were our territory. Those were wonderful times, and the memories of the two of us, catching frogs, stalking small animals, climbing trees, and sunbathing in the forest clearings, have stuck with me all these years. She and I would get lost in those woods, and no one would come to find us because we always managed to find our way back to the farm house before dinner.

I was always amazed by nature. She and I both were. We summed it up to the Cherokee blood that ran though our veins, but looking back now, realizing my cousin and I are not blood related, and that she had no Cherokee blood flowing through her, I realize our bond with nature was not simply ancestral notion, but a faith bound one.

It has been about nine years since my discovery of Wicca, and I feel I haven’t made it very far in my studies. It has been nine years of persecution from my own parents, nine years of trials, tribulations, and terrors. It has been nine years of silent, solitary studying, of reading and rereading. Nine years of hoping and dreaming for the money to purchase tools. Nine years of throwing prayers into the atmosphere with little to no reply.

I am 21 years old, and almost starting a new for the umpteenth time in my life. Over the past summer, I did a lot of internal searching, for what, I’m still not sure. But I redefined my beliefs, realizing that I may not even be Wiccan, but that my beliefs ran parallel to it. Tis all well and good in the end as I would rather not be bound to one organized religion. I have my own way of praying, thinking, thanking, and living. I don’t wish for those things to be dictated by the set belief system of a given religion. So I’ve come to the point of simply saying I’m an Eclectic Pagan. It is about as far as I can simplify it. My views are very parallel to Wicca, and it is comforting to know that the past nine years of my life haven’t been in complete vain. I continue my studies of Wicca because quite frankly, I can still feel at peace with calling myself as such, despite the internal knowledge of knowing that I’m not 100% there.

This summer, after a lot of soul searching and redefining my faith and beliefs, the world became brighter, more colorful. I could see every shade of every color. I could see the colors combined to make new colors. Everything is beautiful and I’ve been in complete awe since.

The August after I redefined it all, for the first time, I prayed specifically to my Goddess. As I stood naked in the shower, the water falling warm, yet cool on my skin, I asked her to wash away my sins. I closed my eyes and imagined all the flaws, impurities and sins slipping down by body and then down the drain. I got out of the shower, not feeling much different. I was sad, hoping to feel lighter, happier, and I wondered if it had worked at all. I went to bed quiet and lost in my thoughts of my prayer.

I woke the next morning feeling a bit more awake than normal, my body didn’t groan, creak and complain when I pulled myself from the comforts of my bed. As I drove to the college campus I attend, I saw the faint traces of a rainbow in the sky. I still don’t know if my prayer worked, but I think if nothing else, Goddess heard me. I feel she was welcoming me, almost thanking me, for finding my way home to her.