Spread Love Where You Can, And Where You Can't, Spread Forgiveness

A wise philospher man (Goddess rest his soul) once told me, "...spread love where you can, and where you can't, spread a little forgiveness." This was five years ago, and this man has become very dear and close to me. And if you ever wanted to know who was the first person to find out I was pregnant with my (now four year old) son, it was him. I was seeking some guidance and wisdom, looking for a level-headed opinion on my options, and confiding in a friend.

It made sense, perfect sense. And in the back of my mind, this has always been the key to world peace in my opinion. After his death, I swore I would get this bit of wisdom tattooed on me. It's been over two years now, and I still haven't gotten around to getting it done.

As I was sitting in church this morning, playing the role of the good and obedient daughter of my Catholic parents, I was once again taking advantage of the time to do some "mommy meditation," and reflection. I had finally figured out where I wanted to put this tattoo, and was reflecting on how much this bit of wisdom means to me. This quote has become my life's motto over the years, and I have tried to do my very best to living this bit of wisdom every day.

But there has been one life event that I have struggled to apply this wisdom to: the domestic violence,  and rape that led to the conception of my son. I could never love the man who so horrifically abused and assaulted me. There may have been a time I once thought I loved him, but looking back now, I realize it was not love, it was fear and terror that I tried to suppress and rationalize. I could never forgive him for what he had done to me. I love my son, and he is my world, but my son does not deserve to have been created from violent and horrific acts, and I certainly did not deserve to be the victim of such acts.

So how could I apply this wisdom to such a horrific and terrifying time of my life?

As I was being the dutiful daughter, it hit me. I would never love or forgive the man who so deeply hurt me, but I could forgive myself. It was something I had never done. I had never forgiven myself for allowing myself to be victimized. I had never forgiven myself for allowing such an evil person in my life. I had never forgiven myself for believing his lies. I never forgave myself for letting him control me. And I had never forgiven myself for not leaving him sooner than I had.

Spread love where you can, and where you can't, spread forgiveness. It never meant I had to forgive those who wronged me. I do not have to love evil people, and I do not have to forgive evil actions. In those life moments, where it seems I am surrounded by evil, I can love and forgive myself. And that is good enough.