Dismantled

Dismantle:
/dis’man(t)l/
verb: to take to pieces

I dismantled my alter. It seemed necessary. It had sat untouched for years.

I removed every individual piece, cleaned it, and tucked it away for storage. I’ve been a neglectful witch; forgetting the “craft” part of “witchcraft.” It happens. I hate to say it, but it does.

I’ve been wanting to repaint and redecorate my bedroom. I’ve evolved a lot over the years, and I no longer feel that hoarding things from 13 years ago is something I need to do. Sentiment has faded quite a bit in so many years. I felt like Marie Kondō, tossing anything that no longer brought back blissful memories. As weird as I find some of her meth, she might be onto something. Some things brought back no memories at all. Some things only sparked a longing for the potential of what they could mean. I was holding onto the idea of them, not the sentiment.

Toss.

My room is in a state of disheveled. It looks like I’m in the middle of moving, which I guess I kind of am. Moving out clutter, making room for new evolutions of my being.

It’s a physical act; an act that seems to require me to sweat and sneeze and grumble, and mindless dance and hum to whatever noise comes out of my speakers. But it’s also a mental act, requiring my mind to flash back to years past, and sometimes rack my brain for answers.

Dismantling the altar wasn’t too physically taxing, outside of running handfuls of things downstairs. Dismantling is however, always mentally taxing. It was the last thing I did before calling it quits for the day.

I spent most of my early years on my pagan path, longing for an altar of my own. It wasn’t until the end of my college career that I finally got the chance to create one. That was about the time I started this blog, come to think of it. Now it’s just the top of my dresser, where I’ve stacked a handful of books.

In a sense, I’m not just dismantling my altar, I’m dismantling myself.

I’m pulling myself apart and analyzing who I am. I’m tossing out the parts of me that don’t bring me joy; the parts too intertwined with my abuser. I’m analyzing what really makes me who I am. For so long I thought I was one way or another, but I’m recognizing how influenced those thoughts were.

Am I a pagan? Sure, and I always will be. But I’m not the pagan I thought I was. I’m not really the pagan I want to be either. I've realized though, that I've forgotten to put the work into my spirituality. I recently read an article about how mundane witchcraft is, and how easy it is to forget the "craft" in "witchcraft." I read this article, and I found myself sitting there going, "holy s*** it's me!"

For so long, I wanted to be that edgy chick who wasn't afraid of anything, who could scare anyone with just a look, who was rumored to be a "witch" like it was a bad thing. I wanted to have that beautiful altar that I kept neat and up to date. I wanted books and a thick book of shadows. I wanted there to be no question about who I was.

I tried my best, but I never became that person. And it's probably for the better. I recognize now that I just wanted to hide under a tough facade. It was never who I was or who I would be. It was really just a coping mechanism I wished I'd had at my disposal.

When it comes to witchcraft, the craft aspect vastly differs from person to person. It's not as cut and dry as it seems. I admire those who can practice their craft daily, who keep their altars and blogs and knowledge up to date. I may even envy them a bit. But that routine doesn't fit my lifestyle, and that's ok. I'm figuring it out.

The first step in dismantling myself, is to dismantle my way of thinking. It is to take all the things I thought I was, thought I wanted and needed, and throwing them out. If any of it was truly a part of the real me, the me I am discovering, it will come back. It it's meant to be, it'll be.

Dismantling the masquerade of my self image was simply expressed through the physical dismantling of my altar, and my whole bedroom to an extent. The bare bones of my room is there, the space for an altar still exists, but right now, an altar isn't part of my craft. Just as blue and silver flames and trinkets aren't a part of me. At least, not right now.