The Stress...

 33+6

That's how they're saying how far I am in pregnancy. 33 weeks and 6 days. 

And going at it alone. 

Its been 51 days alone. Truly alone that is. Prior to that it was not technically alone, but it might as well have been. 51 days of planning and prepping on my own. All other goals have been put on hold, as I now have to solely focus on the coming of this baby, by myself.

So what have I gotten done:

• Painted my bedroom and taken down the wallpaper boarder - baby will be staying in my room, as I still live with my parents and now at this point cannot afford to move out on my own as a single mother of two.
• Moved furniture out of the way and set up the cradle. 
• Set up the changing table/dresser, and bought the pad for the changing table.
• Bought dreft laundry detergent and cleaned all the clothing and bedding and blankets I've gotten so far, and put them away.
• Bought 2 packs of diapers to start out.
• Bought 2 car seats (one for my car, one for my mom's car)
• Bought a stroller
• Bought a pack 'n play
• Bought towels and wash cloths
• Bought a breast pump and cleaning supplies for it
• Ordered a bag for the be breast pump and all it's things
• Bought a diaper bag and nursing cover
• Bought a baby bath tub
• Bought a shopping cart and high chair cover
• Found the diaper pail and baby monitor from my first kiddo
• Collected a few books and baby toys/teethers
• Created a birthing plan, and a back up if D doesn't show
• Packed a bag for my first kiddo with things to do in the hospital waiting room

I still need to finish packing my own bag for delivery, and I'll eventually need to buy more diapers, a crib mattress (when she transitions out of the cradle), a high chair, baby proofing things, bottles and bottle cleaners. I'm hoping to breast feed, but bottles will come in handy when I have to go back to work and she's either at a sitter's or daycare. 

I've decided not to do birthing classes. This was something I wanted to do with D, but now the idea of having to do them alone again just doesn't sit well. Ultimately, I've done this before and I've been researching things on my own, so if I can save some money by forgoing classes, I will.

I've been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, and it has been a struggle. None of my numbers seem to be conclusive with my diagnosis, so it has just been confusing and leaving me depressed. I'm scared to eat, but I'm scared not to eat because I don't want to fall back into EDs. Ultimately I'm left with more questions than answers on this, because it just doesn't make sense.

I've gone to doctor appointments alone. My appointment this week will be my 4th one alone. I get it, not everyone can just take off to go with me, but it has been very lonely and depressing.

I've struggled greatly with depression. I'm sure most of it is situational, magnified by pregnancy hormones. But it has made everything quite difficult. Having almost lost this baby 4 times, and now having to do everything alone, I'm just a mess of emotions. I'm sure this has something to do with not passing the glucose test, but I'm no expert to know for sure. The emotions come and go in magmatic waves. My therapist says I'm grieving the ending of my relationship, and that's highly possible. But I just don't know what to do, because I've never grieved before. Not to mention that one of my role models and martial arts mentors passed away from cancer a week or so ago. So add that grief on top of the grief I already don't know how to navigate through.

I'm stressed. Stressed about money mostly. Stressed about how I'm going to make this work, how I'm going to do the single mom thing AGAIN. Stressed about my blood sugar numbers. Stressed about getting everything ready. Stressed about what the hell is going to happen. Stressed about not having a support person during labor. Stressed about being alone. It's a lot.

I've kinda lost sight of all my goals, all my motivation, and I feel like I'm barely making it through each day. I'm hoping maybe I can at least find some motivation in my spirituality here soon. I'm in desperate need of it...