Break Ups

Holy shit.

It's been a whirlwind of things happening since my last update. And I admit, I'm still navigating how I'm going to go about this post. It will be a bit out of order, but I promise, I will eventually circle around and fill in the gap. Baby and I are both doing good, and I promise that at a later date, I will share my birth story and experience. But this post isn't about that.

In my last post, I skirted around the topic of D's and my break up. It was an ugly mess. Disastrous, if I'm being honest. But at the fear of "airing dirty laundry," I kept the whole thing extremely vague and hush hush. Now, with D's permission, I'm going to share a bit of what happened, and is currently happening. It will still be a bit vague, as D and I don't really want the entire world knowing our business... But here we go.

Break ups.

Back in July, D and I broke up. For a few months prior, we had been drifting apart. I had theories about why that was happening, but no proof. Even now, I don't have a whole lot of proof, but my intuition is seldom that far off. Anyway, it took months for him and I to get to a place where we were actually civil. Those months were so painful. Feeling how cold, how unfriendly he was, us screaming at each other, me feeling like I had to be a doormat just so we wouldn't fight. I hadn't been that depressed in an extremely long time. It ruined the positive pregnancy experience I had been having up to that point, and I'll be honest, I'm not sure which of my pregnancies was worse. Looking back on it now, it's still painful. I was robbed once again, of having a loving and positive pregnancy experience. And this was suppose to be my do-over. This was suppose to be my chance to have the pregnancy experience I so desperately wanted to have, and in the blink of an eye, it blew up in my face. Now, I question whether I want to have children again, because pregnancy is just a traumatic and triggering thing now. I thought long and hard about having my tubes tied after this, and I think if I had been put in the situation where it was an easily available option, I would have done it without thinking. Which is sad, as I truly had always wanted to have numerous children.

Once D and I finally figured out what "being civil" was, we started having deeper conversations again and started evaluating our relationship and its downfall. The points I made at that time were all things I had recognized prior to our breakup, but selfishly didn't bring up, as I had felt we were in a good place and headed in the right direction. Looking back on it, I see how not bringing up these things only contributed to us not working out, and our relationship being much more fragile than I wanted to admit. Ultimately, we both had to change, and we both had to now put in tremendous efforts to get along and navigate this now confusing situation, for the sake of providing a good environment for our child. We both put in the work, and at least for me, it was super difficult, super frustrating, and painfully slow. 

Oddly, just when I came to truly accepting that D and I were no more, and that there was no getting back together; just when I finally gave up hope of being anything more than "civil," D and I finally managed to find the same page, in the same damn book. This was after our child was born. Her birth, a huge turning point for him and groundbreaking in his work and effort, for me was not the fix-all that I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be the saving grace for our relationship, the miracle life-saving salve on the open would that was us. It wasn't. And I grappled with that fact for a while, before I finally let go of my own selfish wants and just let things happen. Just let thing be, as they were, in the moment. 

For D, this time was for re-learning concepts of love. The saying goes "when you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives." It means, when you aren't shown love in its proper form and way, you learn to associate love with pain, because that's the only way you've ever known it. D's experiences with love, from my understanding, have always been on the edge of the knife. Our love, I don't believe was always on the edge of the knife, but still at times was laced with pain. We are two broken people trying to love each other, and loving a broken person is hard. It requires a level of patience and understanding that we are both still learning to master. 

But finally, as we stumbled through figuring out this confusing situation, we fell onto the same page. We wanted to do things right this time, and took the necessary steps towards doing so. Being poly, we made sure all involved parties were on the same page with us before making the jump into trying again. And now we are currently still stumbling through figuring things out, but we are getting the hang of it, in our own time. 

There was however, at least I feel, a hinderance. Fox. I don't say that lightly, and I am in fact, picking my words carefully. 

Rewind a bit. Back in April, I mentioned that our relationship with Fox had hit a roadblock that led to us parting ways with her. Well, I was the only one who parted ways with her. D continued to maintain a relationship with her. For a year, the two of them maintained their relationship while I struggled to try to build something with Fox on any level, and struggled with not only the same issues that caused that roadblock, but also new issues as well. 

This situation with Fox has, without a doubt, been nothing more than a learning experience. I call it a "situation" because if you ask Fox, she and I never had a relationship of any kind. Apparently. Looking back on the past year, Fox has displayed to me, a personality that I can only describe as subtle narcissism. The red flags were there:

Symptoms of narcissism may vary from person to person. The most common symptoms include:

• Being overly boastful, exaggerating one’s own achievements
• Pretending to be superior to others
• Lack of empathy for others
• Looking down on others as inferior
• Monopolising conversations
• Impatient, angry, unhappy, depressed or has mood swings when criticized
• Easily disappointed when expected importance is not given
• Always craves for “the best” in everything
• Has a very fragile self-esteem

If untreated, complications may include:

• Disturbance in social relationships – at home, school, and/or office
• Depression
• Drug and/or alcohol abuse
• Suicidal thoughts

She wasn't always bold and in your face with these signs of narcissism; sometimes they were more quiet and subtle, but they were still there. I could see the clear signs that were being displayed, but there was a level of manipulation that was also in the works. So I was alone in recognizing what was happening. This situation with Fox was a test on my patience and perseverance. It was a situation where I found myself pouring endless efforts and time and emotion into, and I was being met with no effort and emotion in return. This was a one way relationship, and I quickly realized that the bare minimum - if even that - was being given to keep me happy, so Fox could continue her relationship with D. Her actions said "if I keep her just happy enough, she'll leave me alone and I can be with D." Any efforts Fox put into her and I were forced by D or another man in our lives. It took a man - usually D - arguing with her before she would try to reciprocate effort with me. 

Here I was, going out of my way in trying to build a relationship or even friendship with her, and it seemed all she'd do is turn her nose up at me and give me the cold shoulder. Trying to talk to her about anything important or relationship building, was like talking to a brick wall. We'd just end up going around in circles and get absolutely nowhere. My qualms with her, though I expressed them, were met with excuses rather than validation and solution seeking. In fact, after expressing my bigger issues and concerns, she seemed to do more things that only made my concerns deepen. My golden heart being my weakness, I always chalked it up to the fact that she was new to the lifestyle we were apart of; that she was naive of the workings of poly relationships. But I was unable to continue with that excuse for her when she refused to even be platonic friends. 

I have unproven theories that she was purposely trying to sabotage D and I, that she was a danger to my children, that she had been pulling D further away from me since the very beginning, that she was even attracted to women. Having dealt with master manipulators in my past, I have learned how to catch on quickly to their tactics. Unfortunately, in our trio, I was the only one who caught on, so I spent a year in literal martyrdom, because I refused to allow anyone to say I didn't try. Finally, with some help from other poly partners, D started to recognize the manipulation and hypocrisy that Fox was displaying. It all came to a head 5 days ago when she finally asked if he wanted things to continue.

"No."

Break ups are hard. 

Poly break ups are harder. 

To see your partner hurting because their relationship with someone they loved has come to an end, is hard. Seeing that while also feeling a huge relief that it's over, is confusing. Here I was, with a huge weight lifted off my chest, feeling so happy it was over that I could cry, but D was hurting. I know he had love for her, and his hurt is so very valid. But it is a tricky situation, and I find myself biting my tongue and giving him the space to have his grief and hurt, without the intrusion of my own feelings on the matter. 

In the days since, the level of manipulation that was happening has truly been brought to light, and D's pain has quickly started to subside as Fox's true colors have been made known. No longer am I alone in many of my theories. But with this new knowledge, comes new feelings. Hurt, betrayal, frustration, even anger. D has struggled with his own self-worth after this new knowledge surfaced. I find myself happily giving pep talks to help D pull himself out of his hole, which speaks volumes in our relationship on a D/s level. I have always felt that the D-type is the main rock that holds it together, but when the D-type can't, it is the s-type's turn to cary the heavy load. This break up has allowed me to cary the heavy load for D, something I am truly blessed that he trusts me with. 

This situation has been a learning experience, and sometimes, that's all it is. In this, I learned I have an unwavering sense of loyalty, a level of perseverance even I didn't know I had, and an extremely sharp intuition. I've learned that the depths of my golden heart are unfathomable. In an unexpected way, I have also found my own self worth.